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Malaysia - Story of a single parent
Malaysia is a beautiful, fast developing South-East Asian country. Its people are multi-racial and multi-religious. But it is also an Asian country with ancient, conservative Asian traditions about family life and filial piety.
Sometimes it is hard to link our old world traditions with our modern way of living.
Sometimes it is hard to link our old world traditions with our modern way of living. One thing affecting family life in our Asian countries is the rise of divorces resulting in the increase of single parents, mainly mothers. In a predominantly patriarchal society, this is a major social change.
I am a Malaysian of Indian-Chinese/Thai descent. Twenty-two years ago my husband told me that he was seeing another woman. On the day he told me that, I discovered I was pregnant with our child. It was a traumatic day.
Twenty-two years ago, I could not go out and share this with my family and friends. Divorce was taboo in the Indian society I lived in. We were not even encouraged to say the word “divorce”.
What made it even harder was that I am theologically trained. I was a full-time church worker who had resigned to get married. I was expected to have a happy, secure marriage. So for me, the stigma was more than social; it affected my spiritual journey. When I finally told my eldest sister the terrible news it was three years later. Our family had never had a separation or divorce before. In Indian society, this might hamper the chances of other females getting a husband. At Church, when I told my vicar, he even said that I should remain in the matrimonial home if the other woman moved in.
After three painful months of separation, my husband asked for a reunion and I was overjoyed. But it was not to last. Six more years of pretence and living separate lives in the same home followed, and then my husband moved out. I had refused to initiate divorce, so after two years of separation, I was served with divorce papers and the divorce went through. My daughter was ten years old.
The second time that my husband left me, there was a different reaction from my family and friends. I am not sure if it is because society had changed or that my family realized that I had done everything I could to save the marriage. No one encouraged me to continue in the marriage. Even my 72-year-old mother was happy for me. I truly had the support of my whole family, including all my siblings and their spouses.
As for my Church, my attitude had changed. Although I kept hearing God's call for me to serve him full-time, for years I had taken a back seat in all activities as I felt that I could not work in a church set-up because of my marriage break-up. A visiting speaker reminded me that the formula was not “You + your husband = perfection” but “You + Jesus = Perfection”. At last my eyes were open that I was a person in my own right again.
As my Church is urban-based and multi-racial, my single status was accepted. A few years later, my Church started a ministry to the intellectually challenged and I was employed to head this work and remain so till today.
It took me a few years more before I could openly share about my marriage break-up in public. But God gave me the grace to do so and after testifying in Church, I received quite a few calls from other women who were in a similar situation but did not dare reveal it. In today's urban society, there is greater acceptance of the single parent and more and more people are coming forward and openly acknowledging that they are single parents.
Amazing things began to happen. In 2001, the Heads of Churches of the Council of Churches of Malaysia appointed me as the Moderator of the Women's Work Committee for Malaysia. In October,2002, in Korea, I was elected the President of the Asian Church Women's Conference. My divorce status was known to both groups. For a divorced woman to hold the highest Christian position in Asia - this can only be God's work! I am deeply humbled and awed by it.
But I want to say that I went through some very painful and hard days. There were times when I felt like committing suicide. Only the thought of my daughter and that God is in control of my life kept me alive. And after those first few hard, sad years, I learned to forgive and that released me. I learned to lean on God. Because my need of Him is so great, my experience of His love and provision is also very great. I learned that I was not really a single parent. Together, God and I raised my daughter. Praise God, today Abigail, my daughter, is a happy, well-adjusted 21-year-old.
Background information.
The 2000 Government statistics reveal that out of a total population of 23.2 million, 11.4 million are women. Out of this total, 1.1% are single mothers, with the largest number being aged 45 - 54 and relatively few being under 34. But I believe that these statistics may be only the tip of the iceberg as they may be derived from the figures of single mothers requesting help from the Government.
As divorce becomes more common and single mothers have to leave their villages to find employment in the cities, they lose the support of the extended family. The Malaysian Government has recognized the need to heed the changes in society and in January 2001, the first Minister of Women and Family Development was appointed. Her portfolio consists of the Women's Development Department and the National Population and Family Development Board. Single mothers are now able to seek help from this ministry and even be given preference in buying low-cost homes.
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